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Honestly, the bloody waiting for polling day is killing me. I can see that fat MP's pay cheque just out of reach, but some days I swear it's getting further away instead of closer. Oh well, I suppose all good things come to those who wait. At least when May rolls around there'll be at least one family lifted out of poverty, right? (Mine - geddit?) I see old Tarquin Pompous-Duffer had to cough up eleven grand in misclaimed expenses. That's a drop in the ocean to him. After all, he did claim about £80,000 for gardening didn't he? I wouldn't mind a slice of that kind of action, I can tell you, but those were the good old days when you could claim for a duck island or a mortgage you didn't have. I bet there'll be slim pickings in the expenses department by the time I rock up at Westminster - just my rotten bloody luck! You wait; I wouldn't be surprised if I have to rub along with just the basic salary. It's enough to make you weep, it really is.

Who would want to be an MP now?

Well, me for a start. Even if they do tighten up the expenses system (the tight-fisted bastards!) I'm sure I'll do very well out of it when I am eventually elected to represent this rather down-at-heel hell-hole. Let's face it, if you have to up sticks and move your family down here from somewhere nice like Windsor to get a seat in the House of Commons there's got to be some kind of financial reward at the end of, hasn't there? I mean, Christ, I'm not doing the rounds of tedious dinners at the local Conservative clubs for the benefit of my bloody health, am I? No, I have spent quite enough time here amongst the yokels, I mean locals, thank you very much, so once I get elected you can be sure I'll be spending a lot more time in London, milking what's left of the expense account.

The essential problem is not the Tories paying one of their student sons for work they haven't done, or having their moat cleaned or fixing their tennis court or buying horse manure or dog food. Of course it isn't. These are all perfectly legitimate expenses that have been claimed by decent hard-working MPs in the course of doing their job, and I would never insinuate that my future colleagues on the right of the House are a bunch of toffee-nosed crooks - they are beyond reproach, every man jack of 'em. No, the real problem is that complete and utter bastard Brian Localbloke, buying a few bits of furniture for his rented flat. I mean, a wine rack! The snobby so-and-so. He's puts himself across as a man of the people, and now we find out he's up in London half the time drinking bloody wine (a big girl's drink) if you ever, and storing it horizontally at our expense. Anyone who votes for him at the next election should certified insane - I bet his flat hasn't even got a moat around it.

Now the whole lot of them are tarred. I went to a wedding this weekend and all anyone said was 'I bet you are looking forward to getting a place in the trough' - and who can blame them for thinking this? My reply was equally forthright. I said: "you're damn right - I intend to disappear up to London, keep my business ticking over, and just trouser the MP's salary, just like your last Tory MP did." Well, it didn't go down too well, but do I give a toss? Do I f***.

As usual I would like to hear from anyone who has any shit to fling at Brian Localbloke. Just give me or those helpful boys over at the Westphalia Express a call, and remember, it doesn't have to be factually accurate.

Could I also take this opportunity to request that people who ask me about my political opinions and those of my leader refrain from doing so? To be honest it's not my strongest subject and you're just wasting my valuable time. All you have to do is remember to put a cross next to my name when polling day come around - Christ, it's not rocket science, is it?

Pip pip!

This just gets worse and worse.

I am, of course, referring to Home Secretary Jacqui Smith claiming £116,000 in 'second home' expenses. Yet another example of MPs getting caught with their noses in the trough. At this rate, by the time I am elected the bloody trough will be empty.

Now, I expect you're all wondering why I haven't posted anything since 11th February. Some of you will assume that I'm at my London flat, or off skiing, or that I've popped off to Tuscany to get some decent balsamic vinegar. Others among you won't give a flying fuck where I am or what I'm doing, and that's perfectly understandable - the Conservative Party is a broad church, and there is a place for you as well. Anyway, the honest truth is I've completely run out of things to say. My problem is this: Gordon Brown foolishly indulged in a bit of Tory free-market capitalism, and surprise, surprise, the country's gone to Hell in a handcart. Well, of course, the Labour people can all start saying it's time to revert to socialist principles. We Tories, on the other hand, actually believe in the capitalist system. Anyone who understands capitalism knows that its programmed to fail from time to time. How do I know that? Well, because Peter Oborne (political columnist of the Daily Mail and the Spectator, no less) said so. So I'm at a loss for words. Unless an opinion poll comes along PDQ for me to analyse I'm a bit buggered. If anyone knows of any dodgy stories about the Lib Dems please let me know ASAP. Thanks a lot. Toodle pip! Charlie

I am delighted that Obama has won, and that Americans seem to have chosen someone prepared to challenge and change the status quo. It's always delightful when our closest ally turns its back on the traditional conservative values which have caused the worldwide financial crisis and moves to the left. This is truly excellent news for Conservatives here. And of course the similarities between Obama and David Cameron couldn't be more striking: they both went to Eton, both went to Oxford, both joined the exclusive dining society the Bullingdon Club and they're both white. Oh, wait a minute ... anyway, you get the idea, they're very very similar, like two peas in a pod really.

Having said that I can't help but wonder if the orgy of press coverage - especially from the BBC (who have covered this election and it's aftermath with more detail and for longer than they did our own election in 2005) is entirely justified, or necessary, or even terribly interesting. I mean, I know they still had racial segregation in the United States less than fifty years ago, so I suppose having an African American president is quite an important occasion, but for God's sake get over it. Change the record. Put the violins away. It's just typical of a quasi-Trotskyist organisation like the BBC to focus on this sort of tittle-tattle from the other side of the Atlantic when they know the real news is that I am going to win a seat at the next election, which will be the least I deserve after all the letters I've written, the comments I've given, the photos I've posed for and the insufferable old biddies I've had to sit next to at Tory dinners. Christ, I think I deserve a bloody medal, let alone a fat MP's salary.

And let's not forget the rampant success of the Glenrothes by-election either. Regular readers will know I am very fond of analysing polls especially when there is the merest suggestion that I might be heading for Westminster. David Cameron has said he's pleased to be up from fourth place to third, and I can only echo those sentiments. Third place is definitely where we want to be at this stage in the game. In fact, many people would consider the Conservative Party to be the natural party of third place. For those who aren't very good at maths, let me de-mystify the figures and explain just how good things are looking: we got 1,381 votes out of a total of 36,195. That's a whopping 3.8% of the votes cast. Of course, you have to take into account the fact that it's cold and miserable in Scotland, so anyone with a modicum of intelligence (i.e. Tory voters) has long since left. Of course, some deluded people are talking about a Brown bounce and the possibility of a spring election. Well, bring it on I say. That will give me plenty more polls to analyse, and give George Osbourne a chance to tap a few more Ruskies for some much needed election funds.

BOOM and BUST

-it's in our genes



Well, well, aren't these difficult times? Just when I was banking on my big fat MP's salary, along comes a global credit crisis which throws everyone into a bit of a panic. Of course, the downside for the likes of yours truly is that rather than just analysing opinion polls about how many people are going to vote for me, I feel obliged to actually outline exactly what I think about the whole sorry mess.

First of all, what are my credentials? Why should you believe what I say? Well, I used to run a theme restaurant opposite Windsor Castle; it was a disaster, but I think you'll agree it gave me a wonderful insight into the world of global economics. Now, most respected commentators have traced the seeds of the current disaster back to the removal of controls in the financial sector which was started by Mrs Thatcher and continued by successive Tory and Labour governments. This kind of media propaganda is clearly a left-wing plot, and I wouldn't be surprised if Brian Localbloke didn't have a hand in it. Many people seem to misunderstand what the term 'free market' means. Some idiots think it relates to an economic system, which of course is crazy talk. No, 'free market' is nothing more than a euphemism for civil freedom. I expect a lot of you didn't know that. Well that's because I just made it up. Anyway, my point is that people need to be free to put their money in any bank they like, and those banks need to be equally free to tell them they can't have it back. That's the sort of freedom we all want. Those of you who are my age or older will no doubt remember what life was like before Mrs Thatcher allowed us to choose who we could buy our gas and electricity and water from. Grim times indeed. The old 'socialist electricity' was very unreliable and ruined most household appliances, and we all yearned to be able to buy private electricity and gas, and flush our toilets with private water. Thankfully Mrs T made that dream a reality, and now the energy companies are free to charge us what they like, and in doing so create massive wealth, which, of course, they are free to share with us, or share it among themselves if they prefer.

Now some of these barking mad lefties have suggested that it would have been better not to offer 125% mortgages to people who would have trouble paying it back, because it would result in spiralling house prices, negative equity and repossessions, but who wants to live a world with those kind of financial constraints? No, I'm all in favour of learning your lessons at the school of hard knocks. If your house gets repossessed it's because you are working class and should never have had one in the first place. Thankfully when these houses get repossessed there are still a few rich people around to buy them up cheaply when they don't reach their reserve price at auction. Remember - it is this freedom to speculate that is at the root of all of our wealth, although you might not immediately realise it as you hand your keys over and wonder where you're going to live. Human progress is sometimes a bit messy - take my own situation as an example - most of the time I can't even afford to use apostrophes.

Well, I'm sure these few examples will have illustrated what an excellent grasp I have of the situation and that I am well worth voting for. So, just to recap: it wasn't Tory greed and mismanagement that led to this situation, and the idea that you can have a fairer system that benefits everyone is just discredited communist nonsense. Rampant and unrestrained capitalism is by far the best system, it's just that every so often we have to stick our hand in our colective pockets and nationalise all the banks to keep everything running tickety-boo.

FAME AT LAST!

Sir, Has anyone noticed the remarkable similarity between current Westphalia-on-Sea Tory stooge Charlie Windsor, and the short-lived monarch and Hitler chummy, Edward, Duke of Windsor? A true, blue bloodline if ever I saw one.
Anon
Via email


This one was submitted by one of my eagle-eyed readers. It looks like I'm a national phenomenon now; please let me know if you see any other mention of me in the print media - I have a large ego and it needs stroking from time to time.