Can I really go on like this for another two years?

The weekend saw me in France on a short holiday so apologies to all those who have been missing their regular dose of insightful political commentary from yours truly Monsieur Windsor. I must say I was chuffed to bits when I saw that two people had left comments for me - it makes it all worthwhile when I know that you are both reading my words of wisdom. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, can I go on like this for another two years, pointing out that Gordon Brown is a big fat dickhead? Well, clearly I can. I know there are those of you out there who might say the trouble with Brown is that he's been following a Tory economic agenda with all that disastrous PFI stuff in schools and hospitals, but my answer to that is simple - what's it got to do with me? Look, I've uprooted my family to come and live in this crumbling excuse for a tourist resort, and for the first time I can actually start to believe that I will be an MP with an MP's salary and expense account, so cut me a little slack here. You lot don't know what I've been through: tedious meals with the blue-rinse brigade and church fetes where everyone tells me they want Mrs Thatcher back is only the beginning. I've had to write endless letters to the Westphalia Express and turn up for the most pointless photoshoots. I've made these sacrifices and I want the prize, so you bet I can keep this up for another two years.

OPENESS OVER EXPENSES - A CLARIFICATION

Goodness me, I seem to have opened up a can of worms over my drive for openess regarding the expense claims of MPs. It appears that many people have completely misunderstood the focus of my campaign for openess, so let me make my position crystal clear: I shall continue to bang on about Labour and LibDem politicians, but will completely ignore the affairs of leading Conservatives. At first glance this may seem a little unbalanced, but you must understand that it is my dearest wish to become a Tory MP, and I simply can't bite the hand that might one day feed. I don't feel I can criticise such a senior Member of Parliament such as Mr Pompous-Duffer. Or Derek Conway for that matter. Or Giles Chichester. Of course people say "But Charlie, you criticise Gordon Brown, and he's the most senior MP of all," but I point out that he's a Labour MP, and therefore doesn't count. I'm sure this will clarify my logical train of thought. The Conservative Party are the natural party of government, and as such are an honest bunch of blokes from public schools who are utterly trustworthy and beyond reproach. If they don't want to disclose their expenses that's because they don't want to waste the public's valuable free time having to read boring columns of figures which might make people jump to the wrong conclusions. No, keeping their expense details a secret is a completely selfless act, and the public should give them the credit they deserve. And anyway, why are we even discussing the expenses of Tory MPs when Brian Localbloke is running around Westphalia-on-Sea ripping out the kidneys of local constituents with a rusty penknife and selling them on the black market to fund his own crack habit? Honestly, when will you people wake up and stop voting for him?

BEWARE THE ANTICHRIST

When I go around meeting local people and try to understand their funny accents I am constantly amazed how many of you seem to think Brian Localbloke, your current MP, is a decent fellow who is working on your behalf. He isn't. He is the devil incarnate. He was born in Eastphalia, for God's sake - what more proof do you need? I have personally seen his head swivel right round as he spewed green bile all over unsuspecting constituents. As if that wasn't enough, he also claims obscene amounts of taxpayers' money from the government, in what he conveniently describes as his 'salary'. When will you all come to your senses and stop voting for him? That money belongs in my pocket.