Well, me for a start. Even if they do tighten up the expenses system (the tight-fisted bastards!) I'm sure I'll do very well out of it when I am eventually elected to represent this rather down-at-heel hell-hole. Let's face it, if you have to up sticks and move your family down here from somewhere nice like Windsor to get a seat in the House of Commons there's got to be some kind of financial reward at the end of, hasn't there? I mean, Christ, I'm not doing the rounds of tedious dinners at the local Conservative clubs for the benefit of my bloody health, am I? No, I have spent quite enough time here amongst the yokels, I mean locals, thank you very much, so once I get elected you can be sure I'll be spending a lot more time in London, milking what's left of the expense account.
The essential problem is not the Tories paying one of their student sons for work they haven't done, or having their moat cleaned or fixing their tennis court or buying horse manure or dog food. Of course it isn't. These are all perfectly legitimate expenses that have been claimed by decent hard-working MPs in the course of doing their job, and I would never insinuate that my future colleagues on the right of the House are a bunch of toffee-nosed crooks - they are beyond reproach, every man jack of 'em. No, the real problem is that complete and utter bastard Brian Localbloke, buying a few bits of furniture for his rented flat. I mean, a wine rack! The snobby so-and-so. He's puts himself across as a man of the people, and now we find out he's up in London half the time drinking bloody wine (a big girl's drink) if you ever, and storing it horizontally at our expense. Anyone who votes for him at the next election should certified insane - I bet his flat hasn't even got a moat around it.
Now the whole lot of them are tarred. I went to a wedding this weekend and all anyone said was 'I bet you are looking forward to getting a place in the trough' - and who can blame them for thinking this? My reply was equally forthright. I said: "you're damn right - I intend to disappear up to London, keep my business ticking over, and just trouser the MP's salary, just like your last Tory MP did." Well, it didn't go down too well, but do I give a toss? Do I f***.
As usual I would like to hear from anyone who has any shit to fling at Brian Localbloke. Just give me or those helpful boys over at the Westphalia Express a call, and remember, it doesn't have to be factually accurate.
Could I also take this opportunity to request that people who ask me about my political opinions and those of my leader refrain from doing so? To be honest it's not my strongest subject and you're just wasting my valuable time. All you have to do is remember to put a cross next to my name when polling day come around - Christ, it's not rocket science, is it?
Pip pip!
